Identity: Who am I ?

Updated: Nov 16, 2020

The scientific definitions of Identity are complicated. But self-identity as I understand it, is a global understanding of ourselves which includes our values and beliefs, personality traits, knowledge of one’s skills and abilities, one’s occupation and hobbies, and awareness of one’s physical attributes. But a person’s identity isn’t that concrete and a number of other things can influence our identity such as culture, religion, social class, gender, age or life stage and political views. A person’s identity is fluid and changes over time.

We start developing our identities as children and in adolescents those stronger identities come through. In high school I focused on being invisible, a nerd who liked to curl but prayed to be unnoticed. I was shy and didn’t want to attract attention. I wasn’t a jock, a popular kid, or a partier. As I reflect on how my identity developed or lack thereof I see how those typical high school groupings can help to form the foundation of ourselves.

I have spent about 25 years in crippling self hate, hating my body, feeling fat and ugly and refusing to make eye contact with myself in the bathroom mirror. Due to this low self-worth all of my social interactions (those without my Nursing Mask) were awkward and embarrassing.

I believe that my fear to stand out interfered with my ability to get to know myself. That fear for me has held me back in many aspects of my life. My fear and lack of self-love paralyzed me and made me strive for perfection. I believed if I was perfect I would be happy and the pain would stop.

Before this journey I knew very little about myself, when I thought about who I was my mind would go blank. I couldn’t really identify who I was but what I knew was this:

1. My astrological sign is Capricorn and it very much describes my personality as serious, a workaholic, a perfectionist, organized, and at times a tad controlling and bossy 2. My career is something I love to do and I’m really good at it. I’m proud to be a Nurse Practitioner 3. I love to learn and practice medicine. 4. Emotionally I’m extremely sensitive and have suffered from severe social anxiety and depression 5. As for hobbies I don’t have many but I enjoy art, curling, walking and running 6. I enjoy the arts, nature, and travel 7. I’m also interested in alternative stuff; tarot cards, intuitive readers, crystals, angels, etc. but am embarrassed to talk about it.

Over the last 16 months I’ve undergone a huge transformation mentally, emotionally , physically & spiritually. I'm learning who I am (the good parts and not so good parts) but it's all necessary to live authentically.

A friend of mine suggested to me to take a personality test (Enneagram – contact me for more information) so I could dive deeper into discovering my identity. What I learned is that I am a Type 3 – Achiever personality which is why I’m obsessed with perfection. Acknowledgment of this has been essential to my self understanding. When I’m healthy and balanced I can quiet the inner critic, allow myself to be vulnerable, try new things, and speak up. At my worst I focus on perfectionism  and people pleasing that fosters an all or nothing approach, a feeling of emptiness and worthlessness that influences every decision or interaction I have. These insecurities exacerbate my anxiety and need for control to feel safe. It brings out a part of me that is bossy, rigid to new ideas, impatient, and desperate for external validation. I’ve learned how to show myself unconditional self compassion which has been paramount in me having the courage to put myself out there and try new things (like writing this blog). The self compassion has been the cornerstone to my successful weight loss because the journey doesn’t need to be perfect. The journey is about stepping up and learning from my mistakes and continuing to show up